Trigger Warning: Mentions of Sexual Violence, Drugs & Suicide.

A few weeks ago, a friend asked me why I write about men’s mental health. Well, it’s because of the few men in my life that I cared for so dearly and those still in my life, like my younger brother (I’m stuck with one), my dad, cousins, uncles and a few friends. I’d like to think it’s crucial to care for the people close to you in your life.

”Men are often expected to be the breadwinners and to be strong, dominant and in control. While these aren’t inherently bad things, they can make it harder for men to reach out for help and open up.”

Mental Health Foundation

Everyone has mental health, but not everyone has a mental illness; additionally, poor mental health leads to mental illnesses. Mental illnesses affect men and women, and although women are more likely to experience a decline in mental health, they are more likely to seek help and talk about it compared to men.

”Suicide is a leading cause of death for men up to the age of forty”

Cornerstone Counselling Service

From a young age men are told things like ”Be a man”…uhm…he’s 5…”Boys don’t cry”…he just fell over, and he’s only 7 years old…”Take it like a man”…that’s a 14-year-old child…

Ask a man when he lost his virginity, and he will tell you the most obscure answer. Someone raped you. I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. You were too young, and that woman should not have taken advantage of you. She was 30, and you were underage; she took advantage of you, but alas, most stay in denial and see this as a win.

It isn’t.

And Yes, this does affect you later in life, not just your future relationships but your mental health. It’s okay to talk about it. It’s okay to admit that it was messed up. You were preyed on by someone who should have been protecting you and thankfully in 2023 there’s always someone willing to listen.

Signs of Mental Health Decline

• Anger/Irritability/Overthinking/Extreme stress levels

It’s time to take a break. No, all that work will account for nothing if you’re dead. All that money you’re making (congratulations)…but for what? You’re angry all the time, you’re breaking out in hives, and you’re experiencing high levels of stress. If I shot you in the leg, and you were bleeding out, would you still go to work with a bloody foot? No? You would rest. So then, why won’t you do the same for your mind and heart?

• Feeling worthless/Overwhelmed
• High risk activities
• Substance abuse
• Compulsive behaviour

So you’ve distracted yourself with excessive work, unsafe sex, drugs, alcohol..now what? You’re simply delaying your healing process; you need to take care of your mental health the way you take care of your physical health. Yes, the gym is excellent, but talk about it; allow yourself to feel sad and emotional. Cry if you need to.

• Sleeping too little or sleeping too much
• Suicidal ideation

”Many men don’t come out their feelings because we have the words but aren’t sure to articulate them. Mental Health with men needs to be a topic that requires attention and urgency because how women deal with their mental health is different to how us men deal with it. We are able to brush things to the side ..then it comes to a point the same issues are being played in our heads over and over again.”

Moses Carvalho

Men also experience anxiety, depression and stress but are less likely to seek help from a therapist. This isn’t okay either, but this comes down to the individual, thankfully more men are talking about it; there are forums online and men’s meeting groups in various cities discussing mental health.

Checking in with your partner on his mental health

When I was romantically involved with someone, I made it a thing to often check in with him now and again. I never told him I was about to do it, but I did it in a way that made him feel comfortable, made sure I created a safe space for no judgment, for him to feel seen and, most importantly, secure, safe and loved. His mental health was, if not the most important thing in the relationship, as was my mental health. This is something that came naturally to me over time. It comes down to how you portray your words because of society’s mistakes; you must be careful in how you say things because one of the worst things a man should be made to feel is inadequate for showing his emotions or being open.

There’s a lot more conversation than needs to happen around men’s mental health, but it starts in the home. Fathers to sons, uncles and nephews, grandfathers and grandsons, male teachers to male students, etc.. you know what they say. Charity begins at home.

Little boys’ emotions deserve to be acknowledged. Men deserve to feel seen and have a safe space just like everyone else because there would be less tragedy if they were, and I’m hoping more awareness is brought.

Men. Reach out to someone you know cares for or loves you. If not, see a therapist because you matter. Your life matters. You are important, and you, a man, deserve to feel safe and secure.

This blog is dedicated to my baby brother Chilombo Chola. If you slip and you fall, I got you hold on and oh, if the sky comes falling down, for you. There’s nothing in this world I wouldn’t do.