A trip to Zambia saved me from suicide

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of suicidal thoughts, self-harm & medication withdrawal.

DEPRESSSION – 0 MULENGA – 1

I have been out for a year, and it’s been… something. Let’s say I’m glad you’re not wearing my name on a t-shirt or using my name in the past tense.

I left for Zambia with the intention of joining the 27 Club.

The 27 Club is an informal list consisting mostly of popular musicians,often expanded by artists, actors, and other celebrities who died at age 27.

I am by no means a celebrity, a writer, but I did go with the intention to end my life. I was in so much emotional pain that nothing seemed worth it anymore. I was tired. Every day I woke up, I felt like I was in hell, and I was constantly drowning in despair. At first, I thought it was mere melancholy, but as time went by, it was deeper than that.

It was Depression.

I have always advocated for healthy mental wellness, and I believe I always will, until it came to me. I gave up on everything, including myself, and I have never felt such heartbreak as when I felt myself sink with no hope left. I would look in the mirror and say ”How did it get so bad?” and I would cry. Everyday for months.

The sadness I felt was gut-wrenching. I cried every day for two – three months straight. I would wake up with suicide on my mind. At times, I would squeeze my eyes shut in hopes it would go away, but how could it? It was all in my mind, and it felt louder each time.

The past year has been the loneliest I have ever felt, from taking antidepressants, isolation, loneliness, self-harm, and actively writing a suicide note, oh, it was bad.

According to WHO, In 2021, an estimated 727 000 people lost their lives to suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death in 15–29-year-olds.

Depression convinced me that;

I am alone
I wasn’t loved
I am better off dead
I am not good enough
No one cares about me

Never ugly though, even depression couldn’t come for my vanity. Somehow, I knew I still ate.

Last year, I wrote a blog called ”100 Real and silly reasons not to kill yourself” and what’s number one on the list? Yeah, I ran with it. Yes, I convinced myself I am too sexy to kill myself. Whether as a joke or not, I ran with it. I mean, why not? I’m still here, so clearly it worked. I mean…

The first week of being in Zambia was difficult as it had only been 15 days since I stopped taking my meds cold turkey…

NEVER ABRUPTLY STOP TAKING ANTIDEPRESSANTS

You cannot stop taking antidepressants without a doctor’s knowledge, as it can be detrimental to your well-being.

”..but you never looked depressed?’‘ because I will never give my enemies reason to rejoice. Jokes aside, depression doesn’t have a ”look” rich, poor, tall, short, beautiful, ugly, etc, depression does NOT discriminate. Anybody can get it, that’s a fact.

The thing about depression is that until you go through it, you can never understand it.

Two weeks before my trip, I ended up in the ER due to self-harm because I was a ”risk to myself” Thankfully, that visit wasn’t extended because I felt I understood myself better than whatever the nurse was saying. To me, it felt like she was there just for the sake of being there, so I left and went home..The NHS is soo…that’s a conversation for another day because if I speak…

As soon as I got home, I started to strategise. I was going to Zambia soon anyway, I didn’t plan how, but I knew I wanted to do it there. I knew I wanted to be buried next to my grandmother, who died two years ago; that’s all I knew in my head.

Most days, I was aggravated; the loadshedding didn’t help either, and I was always distracted by someone or something going on. I spent most days with my baby brother…he’s 22 but he’s my baby brother.

He wasn’t aware of my intentions, but he did find me in the kitchen when I was having the worst mental breakdown, the day before I ended up in the ER. This kid is a blessing to me. He picked me up and told me everything was going to be okay. He hugged me and gave me a lot of reassurance. Now I have no choice but to work harder smh. The Lambo is coming, bro, don’t stress.

In fact, I heard the discontinued making g-wagons…damn, I was JUST about to get two…one for me and one for you brother…

Being in Zambia gave me a different perspective on life. People with less seemed to have more; the sense of community was outstanding. I rarely saw people alone; there were always people with friends or family around at all times. The UK can be lonely and isolating, which contributes to your mental health. Zambia was extraordinary, from the food, the people, the weather and family, you couldn’t help but extend a smile.

…the thing is…I was having so much fun that I forgot my plans. I was hehe-ing & haha-ing so much with my family and friends that I completely forgot all about my depression and suicide ”plan”. That is, I didn’t remember until about 8 days before posting this blog. That’s a blessing.

Some may say my approach is conceited, true, but I don’t really care because I have come so far in life. I am 28 in a week & I’ve been given a second chance to live, and I plan on living it to the fullest with those who know my worth. I am not going through this alone again.

I am grateful for my friends and family, and I hope and pray I continue to make you proud.

I found my silly reason to live. I hope you find yours as well. I need you to understand that your life matters, whatever reason you choose to live for, as long as it’s not harmful. Run with it, no matter how silly or bizarre it may seem to others, because life shouldn’t be that serious. Choose you always.

”As long as you’re alive, you can begin again and again…and again.”