I haven’t blogged in a while and this is why…it is lengthy so be prepared…go on grab a cuppa.
TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL IDEATION/ self harm
One thing about me is that I am a perfectionist. (Cliche, I know) The bane of my own existence. I have an Instagram account where I share my own journey, about my mental health, my struggles with anxiety, depression and most of all, my favourite thing, skincare. I’ve spent so much on skincare but let’s not get into that. The last time I posted anything was on 5th April 2021. After that, I did a couple of stories and deleted the app. I decided;
”Hey I am in my final year. I’ll drop everything and just focus on completing my degree”
Yeah? Biggest mistake.
I made a Twitter account. I haven’t logged in since March 2021. I hit 10,000 views on this blog. I felt ”Hmmm, I should’ve hit this earlier, but yay, I guess” I am never satisfied. It’s a significant milestone. I was more excited when I hit 100 views than when I hit 10,000 views. In all honesty, though I was appreciative, after 10 mins, I had completely forgotten all about it because all I cared about was my degree.
I lost myself, and my sleeping pattern was completely broken; still is, I was a mess. It was 25th May 2021. Tuesday morning, I decided to start on my assignment, but nothing was going in. I read the assigned brief over and over again still nothing; my heart started racing. I tried to do some breathing exercises as you do but still nothing. I had a complete mental breakdown. I decided to call someone, but they were unavailable, so I left voice notes (unfortunately, I could not add them on my blog as it doesn’t allow me to). I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t stand, I kept saying ”I can’t breathe” I stumbled on my words and stuttered a lot. I’ve never done that in my life. This was the worst anxiety I had ever felt, and you know what I was worried about? My assignment(s).
I was crying, snort and all and but the fear of failing my final year took over me, my heart hurt, and I panicked more. If I haven’t made it clear, I really care about my academia. I feel it’s one thing I am good at, and I am proud of it, to lose it all at the very end? It scared me. I just wanted…still want to make myself proud. One may think my parents put pressure on me, even they told me I needed to calm down. I didn’t.
How many times have I told people to take care of their mental well-being? Like a gazillion times. Did I do that myself? No, and that makes me the biggest hypocrite. To put it briefly, the ”episode” lasted 7 hours. My friends had to convince me to step back (I tried…then 11 pm came, and I tried to do more work which brought on another episode, yes hypocrite, I know); one assignment down I got a 2:2, one more to go. As days came along, the anxiety got worse.
I pushed my driving test date even further, cancelled on all my friends, and didn’t use social media as much, which is weird because I love tweeting rubbish (from an older account). Don’t get me started on work. I am honestly surprised I didn’t get fired. I’ve never called out of work that many times in less than seven weeks, and every single time? Anxiety.
are you still with me?
I felt awful. I was exhausted, I constantly woke up in a pool of anxiety. Ever felt or woken up with your heart racing so much you physically see your chest go in and out? Yeah? Now imagine that every morning for 5 weeks straight. I was exhausted, pulled away from everyone, and everything dropped my skincare routine, probably before the anxiety episode, and lost sleep. The suicidal ideations, oh darling, the suicidal ideations. I had them every other day, I.was.just.too.exhausted. Lord knows how many sleeping pills I have taken in the past 2-3 months (Sorry 7abibi). I just wanted to sleep. Sleep is the most important thing ever. I cried almost every day. I didn’t want to be here…In actuality, I just wanted to be okay, and I wasn’t. I was sick, but still? Assignments. I completely neglected myself and felt I failed myself.
The even crazier part is I couldn’t bring myself to do them, or when I did do them, I panicked and overthought everything. I was so upset with myself for being that anxious because I had just gotten out of therapy in April. Still, Mental wellness isn’t linear; anything can happen, but that ultimately left my brain. I didn’t care. I kept questioning myself
”Why am I still this anxious? What is going on? I should be fine, right? Therapy went so well, I felt good, so good I felt like myself again; why am I struggling so much? I literally have all the information. Why is this happening again?”
I was devastated, but too devastated to see the bigger picture. I was incredibly sick and that I needed to stop. It’s much easier to give advice than to take it. I grew tired, insecure, my confidence dropped, I stopped cooking meals, I stayed in my room, I didn’t shower for days or would shower every other day. I had low grade depression or ”situational depression” and extremely high anxiety.
No one apart from 2-3 people knew, no one else noticed, and I was very much okay with this. I didn’t want anyone to know because I was at my lowest and possibly my weakest. I just told people I was focusing on uni, which I was; while drowning in my own shadows.
You would think maybe there’s something else right, No. Well…apart from being painfully broke due to me using the little money I had left for takeout every other day (which, by the way, I still very much am, so if you fancy dropping £50,000 in my bank account, that would be great. If you want to buy me cute shoes, I’m a UK size 6! Hahaha, I’m just joking you don’t have to get me anything…unless...)
My life was and is still great; I am loved and cared for by many everything was great. It was just me. This is what happens when you neglect yourself. Waking up every day felt like torture because, within 10 minutes, I would have heart palpitations followed by tears. Every day for 6 weeks. It was very tiresome.
23 JUNE 2021
”I am anxious, It’s 07:36 AM I can’t sleep. I am broke and I know sleep is important but I can’t sleep…I self harmed for the first time in a long time. If I slept well I’d be okay. I am broke, tired, anxious…depressed? but I gotta keep my A game. I was doing so good. I am back to square 1. 08:43 AM”I wrote in my journal
I continued to say I feel:
- Not good enough
- Not happy
- I am really tired
- I am really struggling
Soon after this happened, I sent a text to one of my best friends to talk because all this, I had been feeling, what happened the suicidal ideation was BOOMING! I usually rub my hands to calm myself down, but that particular morning I ended up hurting myself thankfully nothing too much, just a scratch that disappeared after an hour.
After this, I ended up calling 999.
Dang this blog post is long.
To cut it short, they weren’t able to pick me up because I wasn’t in danger or suicidal. I said, okay, fine, so then I took myself to the ER because I literally felt as though I was going to lose my mind. I felt insane. I have never felt so low in my entire life. I felt sick, and I was I neglected myself for so long, and it caught up to me in the worst way, and throughout my journey in the uber, I was thinking about my work shift and my assignment. ” I’m supposed to be at work, I still have to do interviews for my assignment”….
Now I think about it I just…
When I called 999 they gave me a different number to call for mental health services It didn’t go through but they did call me back. I was so unsure of going to the ER and the person said to me
You shouldn’t feel bad. Your mental health matters. You did a good thing by taking yourself to the Hospital. I hope it goes well for you
because I was so embarrassed by it, I almost turned back. I ”felt” I should be able to handle it better. I ”felt” I shouldn’t haven’t been there. I felt that as a mental health blogger I myself should have been okay. Wrong.
Mental wellness is not linear.
I waited a while and was seen, unfortunately because my GP is in my home town and not Birmingham. They couldn’t keep me, I was to be held for a 12 hour surveillance. Again because I wasn’t seen to be at ‘high risk”, they let me go. I was disappointed because I didn’t want to leave. I was unwell, and what did I do? I went to work as though nothing happened. I know, I know, but in my defence, that happened to be one of the best shifts ever, but I should have rested.
…and yes right after the hospital I went home and did a skincare routine before work…what? come on, like you’re that surprised hardy har har? Of course I did!
I was wrong to solely focus on University, I should have taken better care of myself, but I don’t regret any of this happening because had it not have happened, I wouldn’t learn so much about myself, though I tend to care about others I should always look out for me especially with how my mental well-being is setback anything too stressful, and I start spiralling. I am much better now and still working to better my mental well-being a lot of progress has happened and I am proud of myself for that!
P.S If my mum reads this, I am so sorry I didn’t tell you, if my future children are, talk to me always because I understand.
If you got this far, thank you for reading.
“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.”Glenn Close