Filler Blog. This one is personal.

Explicit Language.

I lost my smile. 2023 has been a very interesting year for me to say the least, I have had the best and worst times. I am surprised I have reached this far but I am incredibly thankful and blessed for the positive experiences. This is a long form read, grab some masala chai.

Travel

..I’ll let you in on a little secret, there’s a whole world out there waiting for you, great cities and art and music, genuine beauty, and you can have all of it.

Niklaus Mikaelson (Joseph Morgan)

When I wrote the end of 2022 blog I mentioned wanting to travel more the following year and in 2023 I accumulated five destinations. Portugal, Fuerteventura, Netherlands, Zambia and Spain.

I love travelling so much. I especially love being by a large body of water. I love hearing the waves of the sea. I love the breeze I feel when I am by water and the feel of sand in my toes. When I am by water I can finally take a deep breath. I hope to reach larger destinations maybe Dubai? Qatar? South Korea? I heard Bora Bora is immaculate. Ay, lemme find out.

Religion

I was raised in the church, specifically Seventh Day Adventist (SDA), but now I am Muslim. Trust me, it’s not as shocking as it seems. This is the happiest I’ve ever been; it just feels right. Even though I officially reverted in April 2023, I started learning about Islam when I was 17. Now, at 26, I can confidently say that I took my time understanding religion while continually reading the Bible. I believe that everyone should invest the time to understand their religion beyond just what the preacher imparts. I cherish my Christian upbringing – I still listen to gospel music, love my Bible, and cherish attending church and singing in the choir.

However, I have found solace in the embrace of Islam. The journey hasn’t been easy; I’ve been called a terrorist by close acquaintances, and it can be a lonely path. Many have offered their opinions, especially with how I dress, which I find very odd. I wear hijab or abaya, it’s a problem, I wear shorts, it’s a problem, disrespectfully, I don’t care. Islam, to me, feels like I can breathe again. The same way I feel when I am by the sea. Islam feels like quenching your thirst after a hot summer’s day. I only pray I become a better Muslim for Allah and me. I love working on my salah, reading my Quran, and working on my tajweed. I ask Allah for anything and everything. I am happy; I am so much more comfortable and grateful, and for that, لْحَمْدُ لِلَّٰهِ, Alhamdulillah. (All praise to God)

Friends and Family

I wouldn’t be anywhere without my friends and family. I can’t ever do this life alone; I have no desire. My friends have created spaces for me where I can be myself. I love y’all so much. I have had a lot of experiences this year. I have grown apart from some and grown closer to others. I have laughed a lot and had hella tea for my girls and from my girls. Okay purrr 🤭

Unfortunately, I unintentionally hurt the ones close to me, which hurt me more than I could ever have imagined, but I always make sure not to make the same mistake twice. Any ”mistake” made more than twice is a pattern. To my baby brother, Chilombo Chola, I love you wholeheartedly; I am grateful for you, and thank you for always making me laugh and being there for me. (Ayt not too much 🙄) I am thankful for my parents, who always ensure I get whatever I want and need and love me wholeheartedly. Talking about love, how about lovingly putting another £500 in my account, huh, Mum and Dad? Paying for my next nail set? No? 🌚

Relationships

It should be a relationship* because I was only romantically involved with one person, and I have never experienced such pain and hurt from one individual; how one person can cause so much trauma needs to be studied, and I do not say this to be callous. In the beginning, I said to my then-partner. I didn’t want struggle love, and well… All I ever wanted was to be loved by my person, seen by my person, and grow with someone who I felt was my person. My diary still stays the saddest book I own due to the pain endured. I got ignored and disrespected, which is ironic because I grew to love my person & studied my person during the time we were together. I learned their culture, too, so that when it comes to their family, we could communicate better and have similar interests. It just felt like the right thing to do. I even brought it upon myself to know one of their languages.

Do you know how difficult German is? Look up the word for ambulance and come back to me. Honestly, what even the fuck is that? I found amusement in it and enjoyed the research and writing process, and I brought it upon myself to, well, I am a writer, so I wrote love poems in German. Why? Because they deserved to feel loved in all aspects. I checked in with them on their mental health and tried my best to help. My love goes beyond just saying ”I love you’‘. You can tell someone ”I love you” but making them feel loved is another thing. I need to understand you so that I can care for you in a way you desire and crave to be cared for. Love can be a beautiful thing when done right. My love is authentic. I love love.

I felt like a bother when all I wanted was for us to grow a connection and spend more time together. I was cancelled on at the last minute even though plans had been made prior; I was stood up, felt ignored, and cried a lot. I was hurt. I was rarely seen but I saw my partner in all their glory like a muse. That’s where I fucked up. All I wanted was to be loved by my person, but I was always made to feel insignificant, even when I brought it up. Being unable to have uncomfortable conversations at a significant age is very telling of who you are.

I think it’s important your partner is aware of how you feel rather than making them guess; if nothing is done about it, they simply don’t care. This isn’t to say I wasn’t loved. I was, but it felt as though they loved the idea of me, which I brought up numerous times, and what I represented was valued more than my individuality, like a trophy, but I valued them more than the worth of the Koh-I-Noor.

I wasn’t perfect; my anxiety came in the way, but I tried my best to be understanding and loving. That hurts the inner child in me. I would often say things to my then partner like ‘‘Please don’t be mean to me today” ”Please be there for me; I need you” I experienced so much trauma, and I for the life of me don’t remember anything from the first year of the relationship, I got yelled at then received frivolous gifts and cheap gold. 

Giving people a second chance is more than okay — it’s a gesture of compassion and understanding. But when faced with unchanged behaviour, it’s important to recognise the line between forgiveness and enduring deception and manipulation. Despite the chorus of advice urging me to walk away, I stood my ground. I poured my heart and soul into salvaging the relationship, because this was the one connection I was determined to preserve at all costs. I didn’t want it to end. I yearned for my partner to feel unconditionally loved by me, and each morning I asked myself, “How can I ensure that he feels loved today?” I gave every ounce of my being to make things right, holding onto the hope of becoming Mrs. [Redacted] by 2024.

In the end, I had to summon the courage to release my grip. Sometimes, the agony of holding on outweighs the pain of letting go. No luxury car or lavish possession is worth the suffering I endured. It reached a point where it was akin to emotional suicide. Three years of my life felt tarnished, and I realise now that I should have heeded the signs when I sought guidance from a higher power, even though nothing seemed to change. You can send your partner all the motivational and relationship posts & videos all you want, if they don’t give a fuck, they don’t give a fuck.

Have you ever prayed to God to take the heartache & pain away? Have you ever had to soothe yourself because another person made you feel lonely? Have you ever had to wipe your tears whilst on the prayer mat at 3 AM because you felt defeated? Yoh! That’s what I experienced for the longest time. I never got an apology either, and honestly, unless I am compensated financially, I don’t want to hear it. What the fuck is ”I am sorry” going to do? The damage is done, and the trauma stays with me. God, I was unhappy, and besides finances, all it would have taken were three things. To be listened to, heard/seen, and have quality time together. Khalas. I didn’t give a fuck about no damn Wraith, Mustang GT Roush or Brabus. Just spend time with me, but remember, we accept the love we think we deserve. I deserve better; that’s certain. I still do and always will. After seeing how much love I can produce, I know the love I deserve.

I have learned you can give your all to someone and still get nothing; I found it difficult to wrap my head around because I did it all, I did less, I did more, etc., but the end of a relationship will give you a different perspective. From that, you know what you want or don’t want from your next partner and I can say have been shown more respect and grace from others in a shorter time they have known me than the ones who’d known me years.

Relationships either heal or hurt your inner child and this, this is who I feel sorry for; Baby Mul.

Baby Mul, I am sorry. I am so sorry that you had to cry yourself to sleep so often; I am sorry for the anxiety caused by the individual who was meant to love you the most. I am sorry you weren’t seen. I am sorry for the pain and trauma you had to go through; I am sorry you were viewed as a last-minute thought and ignored. I promise never to put you in such a situation again; as I write this with tears streaming down my face, I hope that you find comfort in knowing that everything will be okay. One day, someone will see you, hold you, love you in a way you desire and deserve to be loved and show you exactly why the wait is worth it. So please don’t be too disheartened; remember you are still loved wholeheartedly, and many people appreciate and care for you, especially me. I love you, baby Mul, and I am sorry.

Mental Health and Skincare

Since ending that relationship, I haven’t experienced any severe anxiety episodes, and my depression has lessened. It’s truly a relief. Although my mental health has its ups and downs, therapy has made it much easier to manage. I now have a fresh perspective on life, and I’ve rediscovered my smile, allowing my inner child to heal. I make sure to prioritize her needs and surround her with people who make her feel seen, heard, and loved. Here’s to freedom!

My skin was terrific at the beginning of the year, and I am almost back to square one. It’s been horrific and affected how I feel mentally, but skin requires patience, and this is something I have to remind myself often. I should stress less, too, as I experienced high levels of stress. Fuck it, we go again, yallah! It’s only skin, and I’ll continue to have fun with all the different skincare products I get to try. Even when you get sad about your skin, you start again until you get it right.

I found myself again and probably discovered an even better version of myself. I may be selfish and probably conceited, but can you blame me? LOL! FAM?! fuck it! I have worked too damn hard to be where I am today. Bad bitches get anxious and depressed, too, but what we are not gon do is give up. You cry, sleep, talk to your therapist and move forward. There’s money to make, new love to discover, friendships to build and new adventures to experience. Giving up on life because of one woman’s missed period? STAND THE FUCK UP!!! We got this, and enjoy GQOM and AmaPiano with me! Asambeni!!!

Self Love and Reflection

I have been through a lot this year. I lost my grandmother (RIP to my queen), I lost my baby cousin (RIP Mwaiche wandi), and I lost myself, at some point had two therapists at the same time but Alhamdulillah, I am the happiest I have ever been. Mentally, I am doing much better. I appeared on a podcast broadcasting mental health, which was a fantastic achievement. I hope to do more of them in the coming year. 

I still have my moments, but I manage them much healthier. Let me tell you sum real quick: yoga and pilates will do you good. That kickboxing will get you where you need to be. I still have some work to do. I could be a better friend, a better sister, a better daughter, a better Muslim, and overall, I can be kinder to myself. I do not shy away from expressing myself. For fucking what? Why must I suffer? A closed mouth doesn’t get fed. In this life, if you aren’t hurting others, enjoy yourself, have fun, love hard and laugh with many. One thing about me: I love a lil giggle. I love corny dad jokes

Smile. The most important thing is to smile; as long as I still have my teeth, I will show grace towards others and share a smile. When I pray I always say ”I hope I am the reason for someone’s smile today”. I love myself so much more right now, and I hope and pray to grow deeper in love with myself in 2024. I promise to smile more. You gon see this gap tooth!

I wish you an early Happy New Year and may you grow gracefully in the upcoming year!

I am glad I found my smile again.