At the time, for a while, I wanted to believe that I was okay, that life was sweet and that I was mentally well because hey, I was working, I had a job, a loving family, and nothing was wrong. ”I’m fine, it’s fine” are the two things I say the most; sometimes it’s not always true. 

Honesty

I had to be brutally honest with myself and say, “I’m not okay.” Just last week, I was heavily triggered, and I wasn’t sure of my feelings and emotions, so I journaled at 2am…for 6 pages straight.

The thing is, when you lie or pretend, you’re not only cheating yourself out of having mental clarity, but your ego gets in the way of reaching out and asking for help. You have to check in with yourself and sit with the uncomfortable emotions because only then will you know how to move forward.

Reaching Out

I’ll be honest: this one can be hard, even for me, but each time I did, somebody showed me love and compassion. When I wrote my suicide note, I told a friend about it around 2 am that day, just before my 3 am shift. I finished early that day, and as soon as I got home, she was waiting for me in the driveway. I tried to play it off like, “Hey, it’s not that serious, it’s fine.” With a straight face, she told me ”Mul, I’m NOT playing. I do not play about you!”

I said okay, quietly got in her car, and we went to see a GP about it. For that, I am grateful, because thanks to her taking action, I was able to find the courage to talk to the GP and discuss further steps to improve my mental wellness. 

I’m proud to say that today, I am in a better mental space.

Gratitude

When I was in Zambia two months ago, I travelled up and down the country, and my problems seemed minuscule. ”Someone has it worse than you” is something that people often say, and it’s aggravating because it doesn’t take away your problems, but it did make me rethink a few things. Even if it’s just getting out of bed and brushing your teeth, you did something to improve your wellness. No matter how hard life is, there’s always something to be grateful for—remember, even the small things matter.

I am grateful to my family and friends, and, most of all, to myself for making it this far in life. I am writing this to you in hopes you don’t feel alone and to say I see you. Life doesn’t always get easier; you become stronger. Therefore, I am very grateful to be alive and have you here with me. Practising gratitude has had a positive impact on my mental health; now it’s your turn.