Filler Blog

When I go a while without writing, I often overthink what I should share. Well, it’s a filler blog so you know what time it is…

I haven’t published anything since March; I know a lot has happened in my life since then, to say the least, but at the same time not so much.

It’s officially 12 months since I stopped taking antidepressants; my mental health has vastly improved. This is my first time since I was 16 that I am living a life without depression, and it’s very weird. I got so used to being low; I truly believed I would never overcome it, even though my whole thing was encouraging everyone around me to get better and look after themselves. I kind of accepted my fate. I truly believed I would live with depression and anxiety for the rest of my life.

I’d often be in such a good mood that I found it suspicious.

Since we are over the formalities, let me tell you something: life is sweet on the other side.

My head is less cloudy; it still gets loud often. I don’t have suicidal ideation anymore; all my scars have healed. Sometimes when I get distressed, I have the urge; it happened a few days ago, but I thought about it, I caught myself ’cause when I relapse it feels like a crime. This is a line from my current favourite song, “Before The Soul Goes to Waste,” by Fabrizio.

But the craving is worse than last night. If I don’t quit soon, it’ll claim me for life
I’m scared to try one more time. ‘Cause when I relapse, it feels like a crime

In the song, he talks about alcohol, though I cannot relate; the thing that came to my mind whenever I hear that line is self-harm, which I haven’t done in over a year, too. My scars have healed, as have I. I’m thankful for my family and, most of all, my friends; whenever we make plans, have FaceTime calls, texts, anything. It means a lot to me. Unfortunately, crippling loneliness is something I still experience, so whenever calls are picked up, it means more to me than it does to the average person.

My room isn’t untidy anymore; I can see my floor, I am eating, I go out for walks now, I love to walk. I smile more; I got my dream job!! (Once I start, I will be very happy to share that with you) I deserve this. I deserve to live, she says conceitedly. I have a new appreciation for life; no one can tell me how to live ’cause I know what it’s like to wish for death upon myself consistently. 

I laugh out loud, and gosh, my laugh is LOUD. I don’t feel bad about it because I know what it’s like to cry every day, though yes, I am still a crybaby. I no longer cry because I am alive; I may still cry when watching a K-drama. What? I can’t help it; they are sooo cute!! Or a random tiktok; I am an empath.

Thank you for reading my blogs across the years. Even this one is a little everywhere, but I wanted to share that I am doing much better, and Mulenga Chola finally beat depression, and so will you. 

So long as I have my ability to speak and write, I’ve got you always. There’s so much I will share over time about how I overcame it, what I did, etc. For now, I wanted to say I am still here, and I hope you enjoy the last few weeks of summer left. Here’s to a new eraaa