Sometimes I just don’t want to be here anymore

As it’s hental health awareness week, I was thinking of what to write. Most of my blog ideas could be something I see, (I can be nosey sometimes) feel or sense, I was thinking ”Well I should probably write something that can advise or help someone” because I feel I am really good at that but I decided for this I will write about my experience this week.

A had an episode on 20th May 2020 to be exact. I had just found that I was a day late to submit my assignment that plays a huge part in my degree, prior to that I had been having anxiety attacks back to back for two weeks, my solution? I went to bed. No really, I slept all day. It was the hottest day and all I did was close my curtains, and sleep because I just could not bring myself to do anything.

Life can be very trying sometimes and hard to deal with. Anxiety is already bad enough but during a pandemic? you may as well rub salt on an open wound. Life just got to me and I didn’t want to be around anymore. The best thing is that I allowed myself to feel. I allowed myself to feel as miserable as I felt, I didn’t fight it. I often forget I have anxiety because I can go weeks even months without having an episode until it actually happens then I’m like ”Oh yeah…I forgot about that”

The pandemic has bred me into a person I never thought I was. I’ve never felt so unmotivated, lazy, tired and stressed. I’m one to have a day of nothingness but I miss having the option of going back to work, the gym, the library or out with some friends but now? Oh God. Excuse my informality but

Education is the most important thing to me. I like to say ”People can take anything and everything away from you but what they can never take is your knowledge.’

Keeping in touch with my friends and others that I know care about me helps. I eventually got out of that thought of not wanting to be here. ”I don’t want to kill myself but I just don’t want to be here” is what I would say, just wanting to turn into oblivion but I know in my heart life is worth living. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Though these thoughts may come and go I feel I am generally happy, I have a lot of setbacks but what I am not is a quitter. I know you feel the same, you’ve been there, but it’s like having your car break down, just because your car has broken down doesn’t mean you leave it there. If you can’t fix it yourself, call someone, be patient ,wait for them to come, get back on the road and continue your journey.

Unlike my other blogs. Their isn’t much substantial advise here, this is something that I and a few others may feel like like but won’t talk about, it may happen once every few weeks, months or even years as cliche as it may sound, giving up is never the answer. You may be worries about that one thing now but it won’t matter in a few months/ years. Whatever it is you’re going through, you will overcome it, with perseverance you will have your break through.

Stay safe!

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